Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Releasing Fear and Learning to Trust

      I don't remember exactly what I read on Facebook yesterday to trigger this realization, but it had a profound impact. The post sent me swirling back in time to a little more than a year ago. I was browsing the dating site, viewing the profile of my now boyfriend. I have a knack for reading people. He was awesome! He had oodles of pictures on his profile so I got to read his many different sides. Then I thanked God and Guides for their assistance. And then I asked them to leave the rest a mystery. I wanted to be surprised from there on out. I didn't want a constant stream of information from them like I had received with my previous boyfriend. Not that I didn't appreciate it. Sometimes a little mystery is a good thing. 

     It didn't occur to me until yesterday that there was more than mystery that I was needing. This experience has much to teach me about trust. Trusting myself and trust in another person. It will teach me to let go. Release fear. Release tension. Release control. It will teach me to set new boundaries. Boundaries that will protect my family and I, but that aren't so rigid that others cannot become close to us.Can I do these things?

     To most this may seem like an easy task. Just let go and do it. If only it were that easy for me. I find myself debating on how much of my past to share here. I feel that I must acknowledge what is what and how it has made me who I am at this moment. But in acknowledgement we sometimes find pain, sadness, and what we may view as weakness in ourselves (even though if someone else were sharing the same story we would not say that about them).  

      I was married for 8 years, 9 years. Oh who remembers? I do know that I have succeeded in blocking most of those years out. Marriage to that man was a nightmare to put it simply. Before him I was strong, independent, fun, and little wild. OK so maybe not all of those are good traits. There was a lot of abuse, not just physical. I will leave it at that. By the end, I was at the lowest point of my life. If he didn't kill me in a fit of rage, I was going to do it myself. 

     I caught my reflection in our bathroom mirror one afternoon and I did not recognize myself. I was quiet, afraid to speak. I was sad or angry all of the time. I felt alone. I had a memory flash, a memory of who I was before I met my husband. I wondered how I got to the sad life I had in my marriage. How did I ever let him get that much control over me? How did I come to settle for a life without love? A life being lived in constant fear and pain? I knew I could not go on in this way much longer. I knew suicide was not the answer. My children would be left to be raised by this monster. I hit my knees and prayed. 

    Several months later, my prayers were answered and my children and I were out on our own. I began to re-create myself so to say. I was trying to go back to being the person that I was before I met my husband. Reverse in life does not work the same as it does in a car. I recall something Blue said to me one night at the Southside, "There are no mulligans in life. You only get one shot. Do it right." I then decided that my hero was Wonder Woman. No need for a man. I was going to do everything for myself. That doesn't mean I didn't date. And I can't say I didn't get attached. I just didn't let any of them get too close. No way was another man going to control me! 

    Up until this moment the phrase "control freak" would not be a way I would have described myself. Hmmm well if the shoe fits, wear it. In order to repair my trust issues I must be willing to release control. Now I'm not saying completely, but the reigns could use a little slack. There also can be no more settling, no more making excuses. Love, acceptance, patience... are all magical gifts we should give to each other, but so few of us practice. 

    Before you can truly love another, you must love yourself. What does that mean? Feel free to add your answer to this question. To me it means to acknowledge what you want in this life, what is important to you and then settle for nothing less.


Monday, February 18, 2013

Missed my Valentine's Day post Oooops

Valentine's Day has come and gone again. 
How did you celebrate this special day?

My sister brought me my favorite- a box of chocolates.
Chocolate--yummy feel good food! 
My momma watched my youngest, who was home with the sickies, and my guy took me to lunch. 
We had some good down-home cooking at a local restaurant.
And of course I bought the kiddies some V-Day candies.
Gave my momma her favorite perfume.
And made my famous No Bakes for my sister and her family and my guy. 
I think they are more addicted to my No Bakes than I am to chocolate. 
But I got something a little different this year. 
Remember my "Love You" post?
I love flowers! 
I bought myself a bouquet of pink and white daises.
I'd take a pic and post but they are all droopy and look a little sad now. 
That's not all though...

I reserved my cabin! 
I am going to be spending a weekend by myself in this gorgeous cabin! Hideaway
I have a deep love of nature! It grounds me. 
What better way to love myself than to take a weekend to unwind and release all the negativity that gets bottled up inside. Not only is this park nestled in the Hoosier National Forest but it also sits right on the Ohio River. Oh and did I mention I have access to my own private hot tub?! 
This trip is going to be amazing!

I truly hope every one of you had a magical, love filled Valentine's Day too!
Love to you!

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Love you

 This photo was shared on Facebook. 
It originated with a page called Divine Love Notes

This is a great reminder to each and every one of us. 
Remember to love yourself.
You are amazing. You are beautiful. You are loved.

House Cleansing

The girlies and I celebrated Imbolg a day late. Ooops
I had tons of homework and of course the dreaded tax preparation.

A couple of weeks ago I went for my first Reiki session with Weeg
We talked about the spirits that reside in my home and he offered his advice on how to get them to move on. 

Now, this is still a new path to me and I still have much to learn about the Pagan holidays. 
The other day I was reading a bit about Imbolg and was surprised to find that some of the traditions surrounding Imbolg are spring cleaning and cleansing your space of negative energies. 

Spring cleaning has always been my thing at this time of year. I wish wish wish I could be deep cleaning my own house like that now, but work has me entirely too busy. 

However I took Weeg's advice and "cleaned" house. 

First he suggested we make ten minutes of awful noise. So I turned the girls loose with pots, pans, and my wooden spoon. *Note to self Get new skillets and wooden sppon :) *

Once that was finished, we formed a train. Hallie in front banging like a mad woman. She's really great at that job. I was in the middle with an abalone shell filled with white sage and a feather to whisk the smoke into all the nooks and crannies. The cellar gives me the heebies something awful, but we did it too. And Caitie was the caboose. She swept up all the negative energy with a cinnamon broom. Once our train trekked through the entire house, we sealed the outside perimeter with a circle of salt. 

Not done... 
Back in the house we had a candle burning on the kitchen table and the three of us formed a circle there and called our extra residents to us and then released them. 
Hallie told Mammaw to stay, but I told her Mammaw was really just here to look after us while the other spirits were in our home. I also told Hallie that Mammaw may have other work to do somewhere else. We told Mammaw we love her and she's welcome to stay but if she needs to move on we understand.  
The house feels much different now. For the first time in almost three years, it feels like the house it really ours and just ours.  :) 

Saturday, February 2, 2013

Kick Off the Month of Love

Awe... February.. the month of love!

It's wonderful to have a special someone in your life. 

I have lots of special someones in my life, but the one I want to share with you today is....

Our lover Rufus

Rufus loves to have his nose kissed and snuggles in close at night. 

He is also the best nurse. 
Anytime any of us are sick, Rufi stays by our side until we are better. 

Oh he also loves the camera...

Monday, January 14, 2013

Day 3 - Strength

Today is day 3 of homework for the Tarot class I am attending at The Bead Angle. 

And what do you know? I did not pull the Ego card today. YAY!

Today my card is Strength. 

I pulled my card early this morning and I've looked at it throughout the day. I am not sure exactly how it relates to my day just yet. 

I'm looking to see what imagery in the card stands out the most to me today. The colors yellow/gold in Archangel Ariel's wings and purple from the halo and shield of the angel. Also in the distance there is a tunnel that seems to be pulling me in.  The color purple surrounds the tunnel and gold lights the way inside the tunnel.

From what I find online the color gold symbolizes wisdom and purple symbolizes spiritual fulfillment. Perhaps the tunnel represents the spiritual journey I am on and the shield symbolizes the inner strength I will need for this journey.

I wonder if the message I should gain from this card is that I will gain knowledge and spiritual fulfillment on the journey I am undertaking.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Tarot Day 2

A later start than yesterday, but it usually is when I spend my Saturday evening with my guy. Not an extremely exciting evening, but nice. We had a good dinner, caught up, and then hung out with a couple friends. 

Of course I just about forgot that I'm supposed to have dinner with the family today. I remembered a little after 10 this morning. Bounced out of the bed, threw on some clothes, smooched my man, and bee-lined out the door. Made it home in record time too. Shhhh!

My four-legged babies were so happy to see me. They always are when I've been gone- even though they spent last night with grandma. They had lots to tell me and I got a bunch of smiles, wags and kisses. I walked my babies and took my time getting cleaned up.

So there I am all fresh and ready to tackle a new day and I remember I have homework to do. 

I begin to shuffle my cards and my mind is wandering. My mind is always wandering. Do get that incessant mind chatter? Oh sometimes mine just drives me up a wall! I'm thinking, "Jeez I hope I don't pull that Ego card again." Then I'm thinking about work and little ticked a gal hasn't gotten back with me yet. I then realize what I'm doing. I have shut my guides out for so long and I think "Well if I can shut my guides up surely I can shut off the mind chatter too."

I give it a shot. I tell myself to stop with the useless chatter, that this is not the time for it. This is "my time" for "ME" and that I don't want to be bombarded with work or anything negative. I want to focus and spend time with my guide and receive their message. Instantly the mind chatter stops and I feel this warmth envelop me. Like a hug.   :) 

I continue to shuffle the cards, finally stopping. I fan the cards out and pull ----
TA-DAH! The Ego card again! Are you kidding me?!

Oh yeah if you're just coming into this blog, we're using Doreen Virtue's Angel Tarot Cards for class. So the Ego card in Doreen's deck is the same as the Devil card in traditional decks.

Anyway so on with it... 
I'm ticked! This is the third day in a row that I've pulled the Ego card! I thought I came to the understanding I was suppose to yesterday. I know I have a family thing today and I have a tendency (putting it mildly) to hide who I am from my family, but I'm not there yet. I lay the cards down and walk away grumbling for a minute or two. 

Then it kind of hits me...
You know there's a lot of imagery in the Ego card and yesterday my message came from the mask the man in the card is wearing. Well what if there's a different part of the card that wants to jump out at me today and I didn't take the time to notice that message. 

I go back and look at the Ego card again. The message is different today! The Archangel Jophiel is depicted in this card. What stands out about this angel is her wings how they are coming in towards the man as if she is embracing him. And then there are these rings of energy that seems to be coming from her heart that form a circle around the man. To me it feel like she is emanating rays of love to this person, wrapping him in love. 

I feel this is a message from my guide telling me that I am on the right path and even though it may be scary to not worry they are with me. That they love me and will watch over me.